Friends: a reflection on the nature of human relationships

There was a passage I read from the book, "Letters from a Stoic" by Lucius Annaeus Seneca, where he mentions this passage:

If you consider any man a friend whom you do not trust as you trust yourself, you are mightily mistaken and you do not sufficiently understand what true friendship means… When friendship is settled, you must trust; before friendship is formed, you must pass judgment. Those persons indeed put last first and confound their duties, who … judge a man after they have made him their friend, instead of making him their friend after they have judged him. Ponder for a long time whether you shall admit a given person to your friendship; but when you have decided to admit him, welcome him with all your heart and soul.

Seneca's words prompted a deep reflection on my past friendships. While we called each other friends, I now realize our bonds were often rooted in the shared experiences and trust of a specific period in our lives. As we entered university and our paths diverged, these connections became sparse, revealing the transient nature of some friendships.

I also contemplated what it truly meant to be a friend. In some cases, I wondered if I was valued more for my intellect and its utility in academic settings rather than for who I was as a person. This realization was both enlightening and somewhat disheartening.

Life's journey inevitably leads us in different directions. As we find jobs, get married, and settle into new homes, the friendships of our past often recede into the background. This natural drift is a common experience, yet it highlights the rarity of enduring friendships.

Moreover, it's worth considering how casually we use the term "friend" in modern times. We often form connections for convenience or short-term enjoyment, without the deep trust that Seneca argues is essential to true friendship. Sometimes, we even use the term as a polite placeholder when we're unsure how to categorize an acquaintance in social situations.

This reflection, while potentially seeming cynical, offers an opportunity to reassess and value the true friendships in our lives – those built on mutual trust, understanding, and genuine connection.

I recognize this perspective might seem cynical, even nihilistic. Yet, it's a realization that has been weighing on my mind lately. The nature of friendship, its depth, and its longevity in our fast-paced world are complex issues that deserve contemplation.

The Ebb and Flow of Friendship

Friendships, like the ocean in the image above, have their own ebb and flow. Some are as constant as the tide, while others are as unpredictable as a storm at sea. As we navigate through life, we encounter various types of friends.

The Anchors are those rare, lifelong friends who keep us grounded. They're the ones who know our history, understand our quirks, and accept us unconditionally. These friendships are precious and often few in number.

Sailmates are the friends we meet during specific life stages - school, work, or shared interests. While intense for a time, these friendships often wane as our paths diverge. They're valuable for the moments we share, even if they don't last a lifetime.

Passing Ships are those brief encounters that leave a lasting impact. These might be travel companions, short-term colleagues, or chance meetings that spark a connection. Though fleeting, these friendships can often teach us important lessons or provide new perspectives.

Lighthouses are the mentors and guides who illuminate our path, offering wisdom and support during crucial moments. These friendships might not be the closest, but they play a vital role in our personal and professional growth.

The Cornerstone of True Friendship: Loyalty

When we reflect on the nature of genuine friendships, loyalty emerges as a fundamental pillar. It's the unwavering support that defines the depth of our connections.

Loyalty in friendship goes beyond mere presence; it's about being there in both triumph and adversity. True friends stand by each other through life's storms, offering a steady hand and an understanding heart. This steadfast commitment forms the bedrock of lasting relationships.

Quality over quantity becomes even more crucial when we consider loyalty. It's far more valuable to have a few loyal friends than a vast network of fair-weather acquaintances. These loyal bonds are forged through shared experiences, mutual trust, and consistent support.

Intentionality in nurturing loyal friendships is key. It requires conscious effort to maintain these connections, especially as life's paths diverge. Regular communication, shared experiences, and being there during critical moments all contribute to building and reinforcing loyalty.

Loyalty also manifests in how friends challenge and support each other's growth. True loyal friends aren't just cheerleaders; they're also honest critics when needed. They push us to be better versions of ourselves, always having our best interests at heart.

Ultimately, loyalty in friendship is about commitment - to the relationship, to the shared history, and to the future yet to be written together. It's this loyalty that transforms mere acquaintances into lifelong companions, creating bonds that withstand the test of time and circumstance.

Another point that I remember from a podcast I was listening to (shout out to the Lex Fridman Podcast) is that the best friends are the ones who challenge you to grow. They help you become a better version of yourself. He also mentions the following from Connor McGregor:

Don't eat with people you wouldn't starve with

As we journey through life, our understanding of friendship evolves. What remains constant is the human need for connection, understanding, and shared experiences. In a world that often feels fragmented and fast-paced, nurturing true friendships becomes not just a pleasure, but a necessity for our well-being and personal growth. After all, who else is going to laugh at our terrible jokes and still stick around?

thanks for reading and godspeed